I didn’t grow up with any particular religion but as a kid but I was a huge fan of prayer. Birthdays, Christmas, math tests — I was a prayer machine. As I got older, I came to think of God as a divine infinite loving intelligence, prayer evolved into intentional meditation and I began to wonder, ‘what’s in it for God?’. Maybe it was my worthiness issues but who hasn’t felt a little pang of ‘are you there, God? Are you actually listening??’
During a recent meditation, I stumbled upon the answer to this question (totally on accident) and it gave me instantaneous clarity about the mechanics of the law of attraction. It opened up my awareness to indescribable new realms of freedom, bone deep love and an unshakable inner knowingness about my power as a co-creator of my reality.
It all began with an epic face-plant.
OLD PATTERNS DIE HARD
My big wake up call came January 4th this year.
On January 3, I was six months into a two-year contract in my dream job and three months into a budding romance, the first since my divorce two years earlier. I felt lucky. I felt excited. I was invincible.
Twenty-four hours later, my job and relationship abruptly ended (on the same day). It dropped me to my knees. It was the kind of humbling that can only come as a result of being hurled unceremoniously off a proverbial cliff. Although I felt the shock of the suddenness of so much ending, I was surprised to feel an equal amount of relief. It came from my soul, who had been trying to get me on a more supportive, loving path for a long, long time.
I’m a major league ‘doer’ with olympic gold medals in ‘trying harder’ and ‘making things work’, including ill suited partners and careers. My way of doing things had landed me on the rocks beneath that cliff, without a job or companionship at the tender age of 49. I won’t lie, it sucked ass.
I was determined to break free from my life-long patterns of looking outward for affirmation, which had me led to my circumstances. For once, I turned my focus inward to find answers and satisfaction. Thank GOD for that face-plant. It led me to the teachers that helped me:
~ create new tools for myself to course correct my life
~ connect with the reality-bending properties of the Unified Field of All That Is
~ surrender to my soulful purpose on this planet
The first teacher I found was the quantum-physics-meets-meditation methodology of Dr. Joe Dispenza. As a therapeutic yoga teacher trainer, I have taught and practiced yogic meditation for a long time but other than attentional control and stress reduction, most of it seemed lacking in making substantive changes.
Dr. Joe’s approach was different: evidence-based science, measurable changes visible on brain scans, harnessing the body’s electromagnetic properties, internal pharmacopeia and nervous system to heal and realize the eternal, unified nature of ourselves. As he puts it, “Using the body as an instrument of consciousness.”
I devoured every Youtube video I could find, read his books, listened to his audiobooks while exercising and used daily meditation as my treasure map to consciousness expanding self-love. My new found devotion to my own heart was such a relief. It was like drinking a cool glass of water in the shade after wandering the desert for years under a relentless sun.
I was finally liberated from the burden of my co-dependent need for a relationship to provide feelings of being valuable, wanted and loved. That was my pleasure now.
I loved loving and accepting myself so much! Who knew it would feel so exhilarating and satisfying! Going solo was totally righteous. My entire adult life from college onward was spent hyper-focused on being in service to the men in my relationships so I could get that dopamine hit of feeling worthy. I was so ready for at least the next decade of my life to be focused inward, being in service to my soulful purpose and communing with my higher self to see how far down the quantum rabbit hole I could go; I took the red pill, People.
I became more patient, calm and stress seemed to melt away. It was easy to be more loving and I had so much more to give my 7-year-old daughter. With this new abundance of energy available for my well being, the changes came fast.
On February 27th, I purchased my first meditation called Blessing of The Energy Centers. Even as a salty veteran meditator, I had never done a pre-recorded guided meditation so I was really curious, mind open. It was lovely, relaxing and kinda no big whoop. I enjoyed it but nothing mind-blowing.
The next morning, I woke up and realized that I had forgotten something. I had been on Ambien since my cancer treatment in 2016. I continued on it for hot flashes that would wake me up and with my dream job and relationship suddenly gone, I was having a hell of a time falling asleep. But it wasn’t that I had forgotten to take the drug.
When I woke up on the morning of February 28th, I realized that I had forgotten to be the person who needed to take Ambien.
Haven’t needed or wanted it since. Something in my body-mind shifted during that meditation. Giving up Ambien cold turkey after three years?
For the first time in my life, I did something very difficult not only without trying, but without even knowing to want to try.
This was my invitation to The Path.
WELCOME TO THE PATH
The path to indescribable freedom. Freedom attained from a self-love so freakin’ powerful it allows people to manifest supernatural things, heal their cancer without drugs and other well documented “miracles” that current medical science can’t explain.
Through this work and the other teachers of influence, Dr. Sue Morter, Abraham Hicks, Eckhart Tolle and Kim Eng, I was awakened to my personal connection with that powerful divine, infinite, intelligent loving Source. It’s pure energetic positive potential from which all things are created and connected. This loving, intelligent Source is within every person, like a sleeping giant lying dormant, patiently waiting; wanting to be awakened.
To harness the creative potential of this Source, I had to surrender to it and this is where my story of awakening almost ended prematurely. I was woefully ill equipped for this phase of my evolution. As a warrior and vigilant, type-A control freak, I literally had no idea how to surrender.
Getting out of my own way felt impossible initially. It was at best supremely frustrating, often excruciating and at times, totally demoralizing and depressing.
Surviving cancer was easier than surrendering my ego and of all the carefully crafted self-limiting beliefs I was addicted to.
I needed help. I went to Dr. Joe’s week-long intensive meditation retreat in Mexico for one purpose: to learn how to get the f*ck out of my own way and surrender. It was soul bootcamp. Up at 2:45am to get a good spot for the 4-hour long meditation that began at 4am sharp, for days in a row, followed by classroom lecture on the interplay of quantum mechanics, psychology and immunophysiology and more meditation. There were 1,000 of us, all raising our vibrational energy, expanding our awareness and experiencing things that you simply would not believe. (that’s for another blog).
We were all bone tired, ecstatic, hearts full and minds open and just oozing universal love for ourselves, everyone and every thing. I actually felt pure joy for the first time in my life. It was a 7-day heartsplosion. Through an elegant arrangement of circumstances and timing, I met a wonderful man there. Nate. He had a boyish earnestness, a kind heart and the whip-smart intellectualism of a Philosophy PhD.
Without knowing to want to try, I somehow facilitated a life-altering, heart-opening healing in him for which he was very grateful and paid a lot of attention to me.
Never in my life have I been less interested in someone.
That part of me was switched off. I had re-directed that energy towards inner inquiry and connection with my higher self. I only cared about figuring out how to surrender, let go and commune with the Source of infinite love…not some goofball I happened to meditate next to. He was a lovely person though, so we became workshop buddies, saving seats for each other at meals and lectures and he’d share his Captain America blanket with me in the freezing convention hall.
CATCHING THE BUG
After the retreat, I got hit with some kind of bug. I lost 10 lbs in 10 days. I had no appetite and worse, I felt completely lost after the event. No idea what to do with my life, what my purpose was supposed to be and I couldn’t eat without getting nauseas. I was miserable emotionally, professionally and spiritually. As I sat alone in my quiet apartment, demoralized and drooping like a sad fern, there was only one person I wanted to talk to.
I called Nate. I didn’t text or What’sApp, I called him, out of the blue and he answered. Shocking. Who answers phone calls from unrecognized numbers? Within minutes, I felt better. He was so supportive and loving. We talked for over an hour. We started talking a couple times a week. Once you’ve opened your consciousness to the quantum field and run that energy through your body, there aren’t a lot of people with whom you can discuss these things so it was a relief to have someone to download with.
A month or so later, he confessed he loved me and basically offered his heart to me in whatever way I was interested, be it friendship or romance. I had already felt the satisfaction of focusing my attention on myself and I didn’t want to repeat any patterns. This kinda seemed pattern-y. But there was something about him, well about us. The things that we shared in common were uncanny, beyond statistically improbable and far too many to list here. It was as if we were male and female aspects of the same soul. Spooky.
I had only known Nate in the context of the event; as a highly conscious spiritual being who shared my interest in the continuous expansion of our respective awareness. After a brief tour of his Facebook profile and Youtube videos, I discovered that he was a legit bad-ass ninja who owns a martial arts and meditation school. He’s an energy arts master instructor who could basically break a metal bar with a napkin. He also runs a non-profit foundation (Vibravision) that teaches blind people to “see” using a facet of this unique energy arts system. Yeah…he’s that guy. In addition to all this badassery, throughout our interactions, he demonstrated a consistency of character as a considerate nurturer, capable of deep love for himself and others.
Receiving his energy always uplifted me and contributed to my Path. I never felt he needed anything from me other than what I came to table with organically and he was so appreciative of my time and energy. He had shown up in my life at a time where I was specifically not interested in a relationship.
It was so clearly orchestrated by a higher mind because I didn’t know to want it.
Somehow, in my sincere desire to get out of my own way and surrender to a higher mind, I manifested this remarkable, fiercely emotionally intelligent, conscious man who treats me like a goddess. Now my job was to recognize this gift, timing be damned, and surrender to love.
That is the Path.
The more I accept, surrender and receive, the greater my ability to be in a state of allowing for all the things that I desire in my life.
I live in Seattle and he lives in Utah so we’ve had the opportunity to get to know each other before anything physical happened. So old school. I’m seeing that the more I let him in and reflect back that love with gratitude, the more I’m able to deepen my devotion to myself, my daughter and my purpose. He is showing me what an actual, grown-ass adult, supportive loving partnership looks like.
ALLOWING DREAMS TO MATERIALIZE
My higher self is one clever mind. Every time my desire is manifested, it’s always a surprise; something unexpected, usually that I didn’t know to want, and part of my ultimate dream life. I didn’t think I would find a partner for a long time because I knew I would first have to become the partner that I wanted. In an effort to practice my hard won self-love with Nate, I put up strong boundaries, obstacles and rejected his ideas on more than one occasion. Yet, he persisted.
My interest and affection for Nate had grown and blossomed over the course of a few months. So by the time my 50th birthday rolled around, I didn’t want a party, I didn’t want any presents, I only wanted one thing: Nate. He came to Seattle to celebrate with me. It was the first time we were in the same zip code since we fell for each other over text, calls and video chats. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, an entirely new paradigm of joy came forth.
GOD LIKES AN AUDIENCE
I took all the gifts of love and joy bestowed upon me by surrender and focused them into my meditations with a newfound fervor. Every day I was having reality-bending, consciousness expanding experiences. One after the other, they kept coming. I felt so grateful. With tears pooling in my meditation eye mask, I would shake, laugh-crying with ecstatic gratitude for the Divine Infinite Loving Intelligence, for the Field (All That Is) and my Higher Self.
Honestly, although I received an immense amount of love from all of the above, it once again raised the question: why would God pay attention to me? I’m just a newbie here. Even though I intellectually understood that I came to this here and now as a powerful creator of reality, most times I felt a bit lowly, what with my small minded tendencies and limitations of my pitiful lil’ ego. The paradox of our humanness, limited 3-D flesh with the capacity to become part of the quantum Field of All That Is, drove me to distraction.
It was Eckhart Tolle that cast the first light of comprehension. My apartment is filled with my green babies [plants]. Every surface that can have a plant, does have a plant. I look at them constantly, appreciating everything about them and I tell them out loud what I love about them. Eckhart Tolle explained why plants love to be talked to. They have a conscious awareness but it’s not until we pay attention to them that they can sense themselves. It’s only when we behold them that they come into awareness of their own being.
I was doing a meditation where each energy center/chakra receives energy from the Divine Infinite Loving Intelligence as a frequency from the Field. I let my intuition tell me what kind of emotion (vibration/frequency) each center needed before I went into receiving mode. When I got to my crown center, for the first time the word ‘gratitude’ slid into my head.
I’ve been sending, giving and radiating gratitude my entire prayer career. Never once did I conceive of receiving gratitude from God. I was puzzled. My thought came like this, “What? Are you… grateful…for me?”
The answer came not so much in words, more like a knowing that I remembered.
God consciousness [the Unified Field] is non-physical; it’s all things and no-thing, everywhere and nowhere, every-one and no-one. We are part of this non-physical God consciousness. There is no separation.
God cannot know itself until it is beheld by us. We are a foil for God.
What we get out of it: reunion with our vibrational selves to know our true nature as energy beings who have come forth to create new realities to keep the universe expanding through the pursuit of our desires.
What God gets out of it: communion with itself through the embodied thoughts and feelings of human beings.
When we are in conscious communion with God, deliberately and tenderly curating the thoughts and emotions we experience moment by moment, we are uplifted, bringing forth the full might of our ability to create manifest things from thought. When we can get out of our own way and expand our devotion by staying conscious and connected throughout our day, God gets a shot at enjoying the glory of a sneeze.
For that I say, “Your Welcome.”