There he was.
Sitting on a wooden bench at the trailhead, waiting for me. When I looked in his eyes, I saw that something was off; he was testing me. Two strangers, in full-throttle intuitive mind, momentarily locked in exquisite tension between his energetic probing and my sense of wholeness, rooting me within.
His idea was clear. Would I be willing to play along with an assault in the woods? His inquiry was palpable.
This was a scenario I had planned for, anticipated and fantasized about routinely when I was a women’s empowerment and personal safety consultant. I had visualized this type of confrontation hundreds of times but never in my wildest dreams had I imagined it would go the way it did…
After a professional and romantic face-plant left me unemployed and single at the beginning of 2019, I chose to look inward for the answers to rebuild my life. I studied the meditation teachings of Dr. Joe Dispenza and Dr. Sue Morter as well as the mindfulness practices of Abraham Hicks, Eckhart Tolle and Kim Eng to name a few.
Although I had been a yoga teacher trainer many moons ago and I was an experienced meditator, what they were teaching was different. Super practical and evidence based. Real changes started happening. Daily meditation became my laboratory to see how much I could expand my consciousness, deliberately build my reality and let go of every crap story I had about myself that no longer served me.
I was on a quest for self-love, self-acceptance and worthiness. ‘Soften into receptivity and allow’ became my new mantra. Surrendering to the greater wisdom of my soul became my new pastime. It was all going very well until some sort of tech glitch with my phone or computer would come up and send me careening into a pit of despair. There’s a special kind of fury that comes with technical problems and Apple products seem to dial up the intensity on my rage until I want to start flippin’ tables like Jesus.
I reject my anger and frustration. I don’t like ’em. I don’t like the way they feel. Although I have no interest in being “enlightened”, I am embarrassed by my judgement, impatience and other negative attitudes that just smell like veiny cheese—not good.
On Sunday November 10, I did a Dr. Joe Meditation called Awaken The Alchemist. I was struggling most of the time, getting distracted by the noises in the room, feeling frustrated that I was distracted and judging myself for being frustrated…classic. I was so irritated with myself—it was like I had never meditated before!
In the final few minutes of the program, I remember hearing the thought, “this experience is exactly the one you’re supposed to be having and you’re doing great.” Suddenly, I felt a rush of emotion that came from accepting and LOVING exactly where I was, in all of my frustration and judgement, and trusting that my higher self was providing the right experience at the right time to keep me on the path to self-love.
My resistance was destroyed by the ensuing tidal wave of relief, gratitude, love for myself and my connection with my soul. I melted into a sea of tears and snot. My body shook as I let go of decades of tension created by resisting the fullness of my humanity. The moment I accepted myself completely, anger, judgement, veiny cheese and all, I encountered a feeling that I’ve never had before. If ‘beautiful’ were an emotion, that’s what it was. Huge, warm, emanating from my chest and rolling out in delicious waves around me. Something happened— there was a shift in me. I felt the richness of my whole self for the first time.
The next day, I continued where I left off but just listened to my breath and heartbeat for the meditation. I declared to the Universe that I wanted to be a clear, open channel through which the light of a higher, loving intelligence can flow and reflect in others. I imagined all the things that used to trigger me (rape, torture, abuse, greed, etc) and accepted them as part of the human experience. The light of pure consciousness passes through us and is refracted by our physical dimension/form. Everything we do and every way that we are capable of being are part of the light; colors in the spectrum of our humanness. I accepted it. A sense of wholeness and quantum level satisfaction came upon me.
From this state of being, I went for a run in nature.
I have a favorite trail that is a few minutes from my home so off I went. At the trailhead, a late 20-something man in a stocking cap was walking out. He greeted me, “How’s it goin?” “Good!” I said as I jogged by. “How’re you?” He responded with a question, “Are you a Navy Seal?” I had passed him by 10 feet or so and was having to yell my responses, “Not today.” I yelled. “How about tomorrow?” he insisted. “Maybe.” I shouted and continued to jog on. What a strange exchange I thought. I heard him continue to talk and curse but I was focused on my run.
My intuition handled that whole thing. I was thinking about other responses that might have been better for one reason or another, but I trusted that my higher self handled it perfectly. The run was more beautiful than any other. I was in a rarified state. My senses were heightened; the smell of the leaves on the ground, wet pine, damp earth, singing birds, chattering squirrels, balmy autumn air and the wind in the trees. Amazeballs.
As I ran, thoughts of the man at the trailhead kept popping in. I had an overwhelming sense of curiosity about the nature of our encounter. The first thought was that if a physical altercation were to happen, I would plan on delivering a ‘high five to the nose’ as an exit strategy. I don’t know why, but it came up. There was no fear, just the curiosity. Then, I felt that he was in my reality for a reason. I may have summoned an experience that he might be a part of. In the six square miles of trail, if I happened upon him again I would listen for guidance. I completely trusted that the events would unfold as they were meant to.
After running for about 40 minutes, I headed out. Sure enough, there he was. Sitting on a wooden bench at the trailhead, waiting for me.
He greeted me again. I surrendered to my intuition immediately; the impulse said stop and engage.
“Did you hear the song I wrote for you?” He asked. He seemed sheepish, almost shy now.
Again, so curious!
“You wrote a song for me? How wonderful.” I said, genuinely. “I didn’t hear it.”
“Would you like to?”
“Of course I would.” I said with genuine enthusiasm.
“Wanna know what it’s called?” His eyes locked on mine. He was calm and seemed mildly amused.
“I do want to know. What’s it called?” I asked smiling.
“It’s called Rape Whistle.” He said as he methodically pulled a harmonica from his light weight navy jacket.
Suddenly, I felt his energy begin to shift as if in anticipation. His demeanor changed a bit, from friendly to demanding. I was anchored like a mo’fo in my wholeness and could only feel that. I continued to smile genuinely and listen, my demeanor was a product of the inner constant I was connected with.
It was a short song. About 20 seconds.
It was the strangest 20 seconds of my life. The two of us, both completely present and in full knowing of his agenda — a man doesn’t drop ‘rape’ into a conversation with a woman he doesn’t know in a secluded forest unless he’s got an agenda. I could feel it. The energy running between us was off the charts. He could see me aware of it and not reacting to it. It was probably the strangest 20 seconds of his life too. There was this mutual acknowledgement of the possibility of violence but it was in the far background of our present moment.
He was actually pretty good on the harmonica.
“That was lovely. Thank you for sharing your gifts with me.” I said.
“I’m here a lot.” He offered.
“I’m sure the forest appreciates your gifts too. I’m off. Have a blessed day.”
As I turned to jog away he said, “God bless you.” I turned to look at him and with every ounce of me I said, “God bless you.” And off I went.
This was not how I ever imagined this type of confrontation would go. I thought the only options were self-defense (meeting violence with violence) or being some sort of urban bodhisattva that lulls criminals into a non-violent trance with unicorn dust. I never imagined that I would ever face a threat with curiosity, acceptance, genuine appreciation and zero judgement. It felt natural, like that’s what happens now.
This really speaks to the potential of meditation and mindfulness to create real changes. I remember Abraham Hicks and Dr. Joe talking about reaching dominant emotional states in your nervous system where external events have no impact on your internal dynamics. I remember thinking…yeah, right.
My whole life, I tried to make myself feel more powerful by winning body building titles, becoming a fire fighter and a long-time martial artist. I mistakenly thought the mental toughness to achieve those things made me powerful, but they were all external illusions of power. I would not have guessed that I would become the most powerful version of myself by feeling whole, bone-deep worthiness and self-love — the opposite of fear and lack. Now I have real-world evidence that these changes can protect me from reactivity.
The mistake that people make is that they focus their desire from a point of resistance: wanting to be less reactive. Instead, focus on accepting yourself and trust in the connection with your soul. That is where you will feel deeply grounded. It just so happens that nothing can move you once you have anchored in the feeling of self-love and wholeness. It’s like being immune to the drama of external circumstances.
WHAT I LEARNED
I believe that I am the creator of my reality. My outer world is a direct reflection of my inner world. When I experience something that sucks (ie: contrast) even though I usually have some sort of “low vibration” response (ie: table flippin’ furious) I’m always aware that it was my doing and my higher self orchestrated the event to give me something I needed to fulfill my desires.
When I genuinely accepted all of the aspects of my humanity, my inner world shifted. Within 24-hours, I was confronted with the opportunity to feel the richness of that experience right there in 3-D, playing the harmonica with a look in his blue eyes I can’t quite describe.
I summoned this experience. Had he chosen to assault me, I have no doubt I would have implemented an intuitive physical response and still not had a shred of judgement because, after all, it was a reflection of my inner landscape. It was already a part of me. I’m very appreciative that it went the way it did. I consider us both fortunate to have met that day.
I didn’t set out to be the change I wanted to see in the world. I just wanted to stop beating myself up for being human. I was looking for self-love and my soulful practice guided me to a place so much greater than my limited ego-mind could have ever imagined and gave me extraordinary insights I didn’t even know to want.
Find your teachers. Devote yourself to yourself by connecting with your greater mind every day. Everything you’ve ever wanted or forgot you wanted is available to you in the silence of your conscious connection to All That Is.
Meditate. Meditate. Meditate.
All My Love,